Thank you. Six months before now I wouldn’t believe I’d think those words let alone say them, but here we are. Thank you for driving me crazy. Thank you for breaking me one too many times than I thought necessary. Thank you for giving me a rude awakening.
I spent 2015 in my shell, no matter how much she (2015) tried, I stayed put. I didn’t deem it necessary and I couldn’t be convinced different. I was a hermit and I found solace only in the deafening sound of my loneliness. I was given friends, but sooner or later they gave up on the idea of me being any different from who I already was. I thought they made a wise decision. I, however had one person who fought through the walls and one other who I let in willingly but only because I felt like they were as broken as I was. I wasn’t wrong but I wasn’t right either. I hid behind harsh remarks and cold replies, when I was pressured for more, I resorted to the classic “you wouldn’t understand” and that worked perfectly fine.
The whole year passed and then I met you. Steel cut, hard-headed you. You didn’t let the festivities die down and you hit me hard. Matter of fact, you hit me from December. You hit me right at the core. I was financially broken but I kept my head up thinking ” There’s always light at the end of the tunnel”. Silly me! February rolled in and I was excited as it was supposed to be lovers month. I got the opposite of love. I got kicked out. When I ran to “they” whom I thought would hold me up, I realized they weren’t available.At least that’s what I was told. I walked away even more broken than before but I was even more determined to change the story.
I thought I did. I made a couple new friends as I’d drifted too far from the older ones. When I was finally at peace and happy, I caused a stir. Apparently my presence had caused an imbalance somewhere and had rippled back to me. I was sad, only this time, angry too. I withdrew even more as I fought to get back to what used to be my comfort zone. I couldn’t find it. I was alone. Not literally, but just far enough that no-one could find me. I had drifted far from God. It was as if I didn’t want Him to save me. I wanted to dwell in the darkness because it was constant and familiar. It didn’t help. I needed Him more than ever but I kept giving up on finding Him. Before I knew it , I was in a different circle and I began to laugh again, though not enough to let anyone know me. Life happened and I was torn again from that circle. I decided to be a lone owl rather than in a wolf pack.
In my solitude, I found someone breaking in, God sent to me. I guess God found me first. I tried to fight, but how was I to know I was fighting against a spartan. There was no retreat nor surrender. I was tough but not that tough. I had to give in and thank heaven I did. It was only then I realized what you’d be doing all along. I had to let go completely and not be my overly cautious self. I had to be broken and burnt to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. My friends hadn’t been far off, I just had to turn around to see them. Some did leave, for good but even to those, I’m grateful.
I became a new person, a better person. I had a rude awakening which I owe only to you. For all I lost and all I gained, the result was worth the wait. I owe you my gratitude for being hard-core. I needed to know the world was more than rainbows. Most of all, thank you for my Christmas gift that came quite early. I guess you had a soft side after all or maybe I just deserved it. We’ll never meet again but I’ll definitely tell the others about you. YOu were the climax to a story I didn’t even know was being written.