Standing Up In The Face Of Rejection

I sincerely thought I could deal with rejection until I got a new kind of rejection.I struggled with it and I had to seek some help and re-orient myself. After a little research, reading articles and talking to friends, I feel so much better and I decided to share what I’ve learned with you guys.

Starting a virtual assistant business has had me putting myself up for scrutiny every other day and having to face, more often than not a big fat “NO”. Right now, I dread my inbox due to the number of emails I’ve been getting. But why does rejection hurt so much? It’s because our brains are wired with the same pathways for physical pain and the emotional feeling of rejection.

The pain that lingers when we feel rejected is self-damaging and self-inflicted

How can you deal with this pain?

First, realize that it is absolutely normal and the people who rejected you or your work are the minority and do not really define and speak for the rest of the population. We are 7 billion on the planet, you still have a long way to go. Then, use the pain to your advantage. See it as a wake- up call to be better and to improve. I always say, use everything as an excuse to improve.

Everyone needs to experience pain at least once in their lifetime because it corrects the idea of perfection in your mind

Avoid taking things personally. It’s really not because they were out to get you. Try to be objective about the situation. If you were in their shoes and you had to pick 5 out of 100 people, someone has to go. If logic fails you, and you can’t possibly think of a good reason why you were rejected, then it goes to show that it is a loss on their part. This is especially true in relationships.

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Make new connections with people. Wallowing in your sadness and shame of being rejected will not help you get through the feelings you may be dealing with. Trying to establish new relationships and connections is a sure fire way to remind you that the world is huge and that there are so many new opportunities waiting to be grabbed.

Related: Time To Focus

Avoid destructive self-criticism. As much as this may be tempting to go all “Woe is me”. It won’t help the situation and it will only worsen how you feel and you may roll into depression. Failure and rejection should be handled similarly. Constructive criticism is helpful especially if you get feedback from the person who rejected you. If you focus on working hard to get what you want, you won’t have the time become self-piteous.

Related: The Gift of Failure

Rejection, especially constant rejection is a sign that you are trying to live your life to the fullest so don’t give up.

If you need a little more inspiration, I love this article: WHY YOU SHOULD AIM FOR 100 REJECTIONS IN A YEAR.

Finally, PRAY. Yes, I said it, PRAY. If you’re religious or even if you’re not. Prayer and meditation are good ways to work through any emotion whatsoever. As a Christian, prayer helps me through many things I deal with. Here are some verses that could help:

2Cor 12:9 – And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly, therefore, will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

1 Peter 5:7 -Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Psalm 118: 22 – The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone.  Love this one.

At the end of the day, your self-love is all that matters and if you approve who and what you are, nobody should tell you otherwise. If you believe you’re good enough, soon enough someone else will. It may take time but the time will definitely come.

Stay Awesome. 🙂

If you enjoyed reading this post, please share to someone who may need to hear this. If you want to read more, you could snoop around right here:

Habits For Personal Growth

‘Grown Up’ In Your Twenties

There’s a trend that seems to be very popular among this generation. It’s where ‘grown up’ is synonymous to ‘boring’. I’m not even sure how this came to be but it is what it is. Similarly, being cool is defined as going out to parties at night, drinking, smoking and generally lots of promiscuity and irresponsibility. The worst part is there is no in-between. After noticing these default settings, I became a blogger and found a lot of people especially ladies in their twenties, mostly early twenties, married. This confused me even more. Weren’t they all supposed to be drinking or something? How do they have two kids and have a better beach body than I do?

The worst part is there is no in-between. After noticing these default settings, I became a blogger and found a lot of people especially ladies in their twenties, mostly early twenties, married. This confused me even more. Weren’t they all supposed to be drinking or something? How do they have two kids and have a better beach body than I do? It was then I realized that the only news that travels fast is bad news.

First of all, being grown up when you’re young is not boring. Secondly, irresponsibility is not cool, it’s just being irresponsible.

I don’t like pointing fingers, but a lot of online magazines and ‘advice columns’ have done everything but help the situation. When you have bucket lists filled with ‘get drunk once’, have a one-night stand with a stranger’ and the like. I get that adrenaline is important for youths but if they already have a tendency to misbehave why not encourage them to do different and get the same results rather than fueling a roaring open flame. Maybe it’s just my Christian and moral side speaking but you know what I mean.

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So, what does it mean to be to be ‘grown up’?

  • First, it means you’re more careful with decisions you make and you don’t just act based on your feelings. Sometimes you splurge, sometimes you do things drastically but it doesn’t mean it is the usual but it should be normal. Being careful doesn’t have to mean doing nothing at all.
  • It means caring about people a lot and not just yourself. You always find ways to be of help and other people’s feelings where due, are carefully considered. It’s not an ‘I don’t care situation’ all the time.
  • It also means being open to positive and constructive criticism. Being willing to grow out of your comfort zone at any given time to become a better person you were five minutes ago and not letting your feelings or ego get in the way of your progress.
  • It means being ready to be your own cheerleader when no-one else seems to appreciate your efforts or thank you for the wonderful things you do and you’ve accomplished.
  • It means standing up for yourself and for others when you can and should. It’s knowing your worth and not letting anyone treat you any different.
  • It means knowing and understanding the meaning of compromise and sacrifice. That nothing good comes easy and you can’t always get what you want but you know when you deserve it and then you demand it.
  • Finally, it’s having fun and meeting new people, who may become a permanent part of your life and knowing when to let go of those that won’t be.

 

Adulting, as it is popularly called, doesn’t have to be difficult. You don’t have to fail at it. You can only fail a standardized test because there is a fixed expectation. Everyone grows at different paces. Just because someone has their life together does not mean it’s easy. They probably spent a lot of time making it that way. Couching and reading a lot of ‘failing at life’ memes doesn’t make you that person. At least not when you do it  ALL the time.

Be your own competition and make it a point to be better every day.

When you look back, you’ll realize how far you’ve grown, however fast or slow it may be.

Small Changes for a New Life

I’m Old. Not like dinosaur old, but I’m far from a spring chicken. The fact that I use the term ‘spring chicken’ just goes to show how old I am.

Ugh.

They say you’re as old as you feel, and for me, I do feel dinosaur old. Well, I did until recently.  As a freelance writer and social media consultant, I spend a lot of time on my ever-growing backside. Sometimes, in life, you get to a point where just have to look at yourself and wonder what the hell went wrong.dinosaur-1430240_1920

For me, that point came when I realized that I was over 250 pounds of all fat, and I’m pretty sure the only thing holding my body together was the tub of ice cream I downed every week. Yeah, things were bad. That was the first small change I made in my life. Actually, it’s a pretty big change and the one that really kick-starts everything else. I had decided enough was enough. I was sick of being fat and the only way to fix it is to work for it. So I did. With kids, family, dog, and life, finding time to sit down and work PLUS do something to stop becoming the Blob was becoming difficult. At least, that was my excuse.

I just don’t have the time.’ Like everyone else had a crap load of time except me.

So, the next thing I did was find a schedule that worked for all (albeit a bit wonky). Unfortunately, this new schedule has me up around midnight, so ouch there. I tend to get up between 12:00 am and 3:00 am to start my day, so it’s still a work in progress to get up and get going.

The biggest part about my change is the addition of a 3 mile walk first thing in the morning. Doing this before I eat help raise and maintain higher metabolism rates in my body, allowing my body to burn off food more efficiently throughout the day. More than that, this early morning walk helps my mind focus and when I unplug during the walk, my mind actually clears and seems to just see things more clearly.

For this walk, I’m not out there trying to run and kill myself, but I am walking brisk enough to sweat and be out of breath at times. That’s very important. If you simply take a leisurely stroll in the morning, your body won’t improve. You need to get your blood flowing and your muscles working to get the true effects of a workout, even if it is only walking. It’s hard. It will be hard. This is where the want comes in to say ‘Get up and get out there, fatty!’ And so I do.pexels-photo-221210 

Do not get down if things seem to slow or be tough. That’s my final little change. I am constantly getting down on myself about everything. To me, it’s as if the entire world rest on my every decision and action – of course, we all know it doesn’t. So, I would tell anyone trying to improve themselves, stop beating yourself up all the time.

Slips happen. Get over it and keep on going. Nobody is perfect. Remember that.

It’s about a month later. I’m getting used to the screwy early schedule and walking first thing in the morning, even before I eat anything, is helping my metabolism stay up and actually increasing my focus throughout the day. When I can, I try to throw a second walk in, but as long as I get my good walk in, I’m a happy camper. My weight has even dropped about fifteen pounds, which makes me want to continue to work.

If you think it’s time for a change in your life, chances are it is. Nobody knows you and your life better than you, and nobody can change your life but you. In the end, it comes down to how much do you really want to change? If you truly want it, anything is possible… Even change.

This is a guest post by Joshua Cook. Please feel free to visit his site below.

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Joshua Cook is a father, blogger, and social media consultant enjoying the beautiful weather in the Pacific Northwest. Recently starting the Cook Consulting and Content Creation firm, Josh is happy to be able to bring his life changing experiences and ideas out to help others.

Letting Go: Setting Yourself Free

People think forgiveness begins and ends with saying ‘ I’m sorry’. When we think of the phrase ‘forgive and forget’, we only see and hear the forgive part, the forget part is well, forgotten. Isn’t that interesting? I’m sure forgiveness exists in every religion in one form or the other. Jesus told Peter to forgive 77 x 7 times which was code for forgive until you can’t anymore translated as a memory wipe whenever we forgive. Ironically, we do everything but that.

Can we really forget? Probably not exactly. You’d need an actual memory wipe for that. lol. But. Do you know that feeling when you think of a situation from your past that used to hurt and now you feel nothing. It’s now a memory of what used to be your reality. That’s as close as you get. If you’re lucky, you might reach that point where it never really comes up in your thoughts or conversation, so its stored in your passive memory and might require some kind of description of the the incident to remind you how and why you were hurt. Wouldn’t you like that?

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.

-Mahatma Gandhi

Forgiveness is hard. It requires you to accept an apology that was never given and to heal a wound you didn’t inflict. You have to pick yourself up for what seems like no reason. If you have to cry, if you have to think about it, whatever it takes but by the time you get to the end of this, I want you to decide to set yourself free.  You have to move forward to achieve all that you’re meant to. You may not realize it but the chains we use on others bind us too. Like revenge, it always two person package.

There are two easy steps to do this:

  • Forgive
  • Forget

Okay that may not be explanatory.

  • Forgive by trying to remember why and how you got hurt and you started feeling the way you. You just have to do this one time. Think about everything. Pool all the feelings together. Imagine having a conversation with the person, what would they say? what would you have them say? Then. They’ve said it. All you have to do is accept their apology.  Now, let everything go and take a deep breath in and out. It’s over. You may still feel a little but at least today is day one of your recovery.
  • Forget – Don’t think about it anymore. If and when you see them, smile and wave. Resolve the feelings within or express them safely. Write them on paper, throw them away, make a tape and delete it. Whatever works for you. Your peace the most important factor. They may not feel remorse but it’s their burden to carry, not yours.

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 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Matt 5: 44  NIV

Phew! Look at you. 10 lbs lighter already. Is it just me or did the room just light up? Try not to harbor any more unhealthy feelings. If you have to talk to the person in question, by all means do.

If, you happen to be the reason someone else is hurt, and it haunts you day and night. You should go apologize in person. They don’t have to accept it. All you need do is sincerely apologize. People reject apologies because they sense insincerity or they still feel hurt. Just let them be, in time, they’ll come around. If they never do, it’s not your fault. You’ve done your part and they’re the one with the burden now. You just have to get right with God. You may try to make it up to them,if you or they feel you should.

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At the end of the day. The idea is to love. Love and love unconditionally. It will always set you free.

It’s (NOT) Okay

Before you crucify me, hear me out. No it’s not okay. I think we need to put a quota on how many times we get to say that because it’s getting out of hand.  It’s not always okay. ‘Okay’ is not the answer. It’s going to be okay is not the answer to the problem. It’s a construct for when you don’t know what to say and now it has become the norm. It’s no longer okay. Think about it, how has saying that helped anything. It’s just a quick fix. Let me explain myself to you.

When someone is hurting, you hear people say ‘It’s okay to feel hurt’ and then after the hurt what next? Nobody comes back to say “here’s how you can work through this” or “this is how you can feel better”. You know what happens in such cases? They absorb the idea that it’s okay to continuously feel okay and nothing more. Before we fought through situations and circumstances, we always got up, we always fought through everything but now, we just want to be ‘understood’. We want to receive applause for being human beings. Oh! You don’t know what I’ve been through, I was [insert a struggle here] but guess what? Clap for yourself. Now get up and move on. Life happens. Sob stories never paid off unless of course you’re a writer.

Today, I watched a short clip on the life of J.K Rowling. How she started, lost a parent, had a miscarriage, got divorced and then decided to put all her effort into the one thing she knew the most, writing. Today, she is worth almost $1 billion dollars. Imagine if all she was told was ‘It’s okay to feel sad, don’t worry it’ll be alright’. In her case, she may or may have not had people say that to her. I’m worried that this generation will be full of people who are just absolutely content with whatever life throws at them. I was born this way, It’s not my fault, I married the wrong guy, If I had gone to better schools. We should stop patronizing these behaviors.pexels-photo-320007.jpeg

The only thing that’s okay is that you have realized where you are and the drawbacks you may or may not have. Once you do, start working through them. Fight! Don’t just sit there and throw a pity party. Did you know that some doctors don’t recommend telling a child with any kind of say behavioral disorder what the name of the disorder is. Yes, the child realizes he/she is not like any other child around them but their parents are told to avoid as much as possible, labeling them with one difficult-to-pronounce medical term. This prevents the child from dwelling within a box that can be broken down.

We need to start picking people up, not building houses in the pits they’ve fallen into. Sometimes, what your friend needs from you is not ‘support’. There will always be time to grieve, break down and cry and weep but once that time is over, it’s time to give life a try again. Tell people hard truths. Not rudely but politely, with love, not with an air of contempt or pity. When people can sense love in your word, even if they may be hostile at first, they will eventually process your words logically. They’ll be grateful for the tough love in the end. Trust me.

Service: A Form of Gratitude

Did you know you could show appreciation in other ways than saying thank you and giving gifts. Sincere appreciation is hard to come by nowadays, people don’t even say ‘Thank you’ anymore. To summarize, people now say Chivalry is dead. I disagree. It’s scarce but not dead. I mean endangered species are still species right? I was taking the 5 languages of Apology test by Gary Chapman because I was arguing with someone that for me, saying sorry doesn’t just fly with me and there are many ways to apologize. I read emotions, facial expressions and body language but what I hate the most is when someone never actually acknowledges that they’re wrong or doesn’t think they are especially when they couldn’t be more wrong. You can take the test here. Anyways I digress.

Have you ever considered being of service to anyone? No matter who you are and how materialistic you might be, our innate selves love the idea that someone would go out of their way to ‘do’ something for us. Not pay someone to do it or but something that does it, but actually do something for us with their time and their whole hearts. It’s funny but service differs from scenario to scenario. For example, if a very strict superior tells you to take a break after working very hard, that they’ll finish it up, it would make you feel very happy because you’ve been appreciated as opposed to your busy friend who you’d want to just give you five minutes of their time so you can hang out together. It’s a very common phenomenon. Children of rich kids want their parent’s attention so they can play ball or watch a movie together, wives of busy spouses just want their husbands to have a candlelit or fireplace dinner with them. It all boils down to service. Volunteering to do something out of your normal schedule which may or may not be convenient for you.

Why do we all want this? Because humans love to feel important and it is only for an important person you would stop everything. I’m sure by now someone must have popped up in your mind. This applies to not only your spouse, friend or family but your community. Sometimes you see people in charge of community affairs saying that even though monetary donations are great, hands on service is often needed as well. It builds a bond among the members of the community. So? how can you be of help? There are many ways you could be of service to anyone or any group. The trick is to ‘See a need, fill a need’

Hence, in honor of the upcoming  Mother’s Day, here’s a thought. Instead of the usual ‘Mother’s Day Gift Ideas’ which a lot of you might be considering, in addition, spend time with your mama. Some mothers would kill just to cook with you or have a family dinner or have an outing with her, just mother to child. I also realize that some of you may have lost your mommies. You know what? Find a mama with no children or a child with no mama. Remember see a need, fill a need. As much as you ca, be of service to someone. The material things may get lost and stolen or even out of date but the memories now and the smile across their face is what you should live for. They are priceless.

Happy Mother’s Day in advance. To all the moms out there, we love and appreciate you.

Habits For Personal Growth

We’re almost through the first quarter of the year. By now the new year resolutions are either working out really well or are now completely forgotten. Either way, a lot has changed since we stepped into the new year and you’re probably making new plans everyday and adjusting to the period.It’s already spring.  Flowers, lighter clothes and finally, the sun. Perfect time to relax and reflect on yourself and how far you’ve come. If you’re not one for resolutions, then good, these habits will help you grow everyday of each year as long as you consistently practice them. Soon, they become second nature and it no longer becomes a conscious process. Here they are:

1 BE FLEXIBLE

Change is constant and hence you should be constantly changing. You are not the person you once were. The foods you eat, the things you do, the things you like and even the friends you keep. As a human. you’re constantly evolving and hence it is only wise to be flexible in every area of life. Yes, everyone has principles and routines that are the center which your life pivots around but in a dynamic world as the one we live in, you can only keep moving forward. If you’re stubborn enough to stand still the world will leave you and pass you by. Nokia 3310 phone had a really good battery but no one uses it anymore, smartphones are now in.

2 BE OPEN MINDED

He that listens to the experiences and the thoughts of a thousand men has lived a thousand lives. In a society that wants to spoon feed you with it’s unstable versions of right and wrong, good and evil and what is acceptable, a natural defense would be to close the mind to every external force or idea in order to protect it. However, you’d learn so much more from others. Learn to open your mind, listen to other points of view even if they go completely against yours. You may find it easier to convince someone else when you listen to them with an intent to hear them out not to argue or prove them wrong.

3 REFLECT

This should be a daily habit itself. Everyday, 30 minutes before bed, think back and reflect on all that was done during the day, how the tie was spent and all you said. It’s a good way to correct errors in our speech and actions. If you had a fight, a relaxed thought of the things that happened before,during and after the fight might be a good way to clear up your point of view of the events. Weekly and monthly, reflecting puts you in perspective of your goals and how close or far you are from achieving them. It’s easy to see whether the strategies you have are in  place and  they are working. It helps you re-strategize for better and quicker success.

4 USE YOUR IMAGINATION AND CREATIVITY

The difference between one person doing something and the other person is the unique creativity that comes with every individual. IF you want to grow in any area of your life,, your imagination and creativity is required. For every problem you encounter and you have to solve, it may depend on your ability to think outside the box. In whatever situation you find yourself, learn to think independently, irrespective of what you’ve been taught is right and wrong.

5 LEARN TO TAKE RISKS

Taking calculated risks leads to great results which may be in the form of success or experience. In my other post, I talk about the value of gaining experience. Risk taking opens you up to bigger possibilities. You may learn more about yourself while taking risks than when you’re in your comfort zone. It may be as little as trying new foods, finding a new hobby, doing something you’ve never tried. Risks begin little by little and eventually lead to great results. Set goals that stretch you and let you break out of the shell that is your comfort zone.

6  BE UNDERSTANDING

Understanding others, the reason why they do what they do and who they really are is a great way to grow yourself. Be sympathetic. Learn to sympathize with others. Have compassion. Love. Give freely. Be slow to anger and quick to forgive. It enables you to connect with others deeply and while it comes naturally for some, you may need to actively learn to do so. Identify barriers that might exist while interacting with others and break them.  You should want better things for others than you do for yourself.

7 PRAY

I’m a Christian, so I believe in God. Praying helps you deal wiht the spiritual aspect of your life. It is said that the spiritual dictates the physical, what some people call karma. Meditate as much as you can and pray without ceasing. It helps cleanse the the mind, body and soul. Once your mind is clear, you can function at optimum levels and hence grow.

What tips do you do that help you grow personally? Leave them in the comment section. Don’t forget to share with your friends.